Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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