Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
