I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
