just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
