My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
