I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
