someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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