My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
