He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
