dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
