you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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