I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
