Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
