I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
