Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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