I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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