I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
