If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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