I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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