have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
