The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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