i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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