Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
