There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
