i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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