I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
