i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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