the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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