Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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