I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
