Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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