we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
