I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
