i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
