fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
