Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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