I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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