The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
