i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
