Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
