I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
