The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
