you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
