When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
