You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
