So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
