if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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