I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
