they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
