When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
