She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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