you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
